Ms. Floyd's blog

Final Required Blog: "My MTC Experience..."

1200 words…1200 words…1200 words…

MTC has been an amazing experience.  Now that it is finally almost over I find myself getting increasingly nervous about next year because I will have to start over.  I will have to make new friends.  I will have to find a new job.  I’ll be in a new place and in a new setting.   I won’t have Abe and Tomas around to make me laugh on a daily basis.  I won’t be able to run and get an amazing Greek salad from the restaurant around the corner.  Basile won’t be able to bring me amazing meat from the country store in Batesville.  Things will be different…very different…

I have spent so much of my time here complaining.  Complaining about my job, complaining about my kids, complaining about classes, complaining about driving two hours to Oxford every other weekend, complaining about not getting any rest, complaining about grading and lesson planning, complaining about how I do not have time for myself, complaining about my weight, complaining about coaching, complaining about how Jackson is not a “real” city, etc.

To be honest, I have not truly taken in how fortunate I am and how much fun I have had over the past two years.   I will really miss MTC. I will miss the people that I loved to argue with (Ken).  I will miss the people that I always did not always get along with (Emily).  I will miss my former roommate (Allison).  I will even miss the people that I barely talked to (Aaron, Hayley, Rosie, Alex, Shun, Sara, Kate, and Liz).  I will miss the people that I had a silent understanding with (Christina).  I will miss the drunken madness of when we all got together and hung out (Courtney, Jason, and Parks).  I will miss the Gmail chats during the day (Ryan).  I will miss the leaders of our class (Justin and Jacob).  I will miss the “Batesville Crew” that let me be the girlfriend that was always around (Karl and Patrick).  Most importantly, I will miss my partner and strength throughout the tough times here in Mississippi (Basile). 

I will have some great memories from MTC. Like the conversations/debates we have on our trips up to Oxford.  Like working out 3x/day during the summer to stay in shape and keep up with the boys.  Like hanging out and relaxing at the Super 8 after class.  Like going out and dancing at The Library.  Like going to afternoon classes after having a little too much to drink during lunch.  Like meeting up with the “Jacksonian Crew” for dinner every Wednesday.  Like watching every episode of The Wire with my roommates.  Like receiving the Nancy H. Brown Award.  Like sneaking into the swimming pool during the summers.  Like riding the hot ass bus every morning to summer school.  Like pretending to pay attention in class.  Like bashing certain professors.  Like laughing at how ridiculous some of us can be at times.  Like training for an 8K together.  Like taking a mini-vacation to New Orleans together.  Like going to the movies as a group.  Like watching and listening to others play beer pong all night.  Like laughing at my male friends’ attempts to woe and pick up women.  Like breakfast being made for me every weekend.  Like going to BBB almost every Sunday that I have been in Oxford.  Like walking around the square to go get ice cream.  Like having heated conversations/arguments in class.   These are just some of things that bring a smile to my face when thinking of my MTC experience; but there are some things that make me want to cry.  Mainly, the fact that it is almost over and that I will be leaving VERY soon; and the fact that I will be leaving my students…  

One of my students came to me this morning crying.  She is a student that has a VERY difficult home life.  She has an abusive and completely unsupportive mother.  Her mother constantly threatens her and refuses to let her leave the house; but the one thing that she has doing for herself is that she is SMART and that she takes her education seriously.  

She came to me this morning to show me the letter and informational pamphlet that she got from The Ohio State.  She is only a 10 th grader and is already being heavy recruited by universities all over the country.   Today she told me that she does not know if she can take it anymore because her mother is so horrible.  She explained to me that her mother tells her everyday that “she will never amount to shit”—that she “ain’t neva gon make it in college.”   I try my best to encourage her.  To give her strength.  As she was crying this morning she said that she did not know what she was going to do because she is totally lost.  She said that her mother will kick her out when she turns 18 next year, just like she did her older sister who now lives in a homeless shelter.  She then looked at me and said, “Plus Ms. Floyd, you are leaving. What am I going to do next year?”

I literally just started crying.  I gave her a big hug and I told her that I will always be there for her no matter where I am.  I told her that I will ensure that she has my number so that she could reach me if she needs me; but deep down I know that I will not really be able to help her.  How will I be able to help her from so far away?  Who will be there to encourage her?  To keep her going? Students like her make it hard for me to leave—students who have become dependent on me.  Students who look forward to being in my class.  Students who I have made an impact on…

I do not think that I realized how sad I am to be going until I started working on my portfolio and the film that I created for my final presentation. These two projects have opened my eyes to how great my two years have been.

Some people may ask: Then why am I leaving?  The truth is that I need to go.  I have become someone that I do not want to be.  I think that this except from my self-evaluation says it best:

“When my students ask me why I am leaving next year, I give them an honest answer.  I tell them that I am no longer the person that I used to be and I do not like the person that I have become.  I proceed by asking how many of them knew me last year.  Most of them raise their hands.  Then, I ask how has my attitude changed since then. Most of them reply by saying that I am not as “nice” or “easy-going” as I used to be.  And most of them will say that it is the kids that I teach this year that have driven me crazy.  I normally respond my laughing and saying “Yeah. You’re probably right.”

What most of my students are referring to is the shift in my attitude and personality over the past year.  I am no longer the happy, optimistic, and energetic Amani.  Instead, I have turned into an overwhelmed, stressed out, and cynical Amani.   The reason that I am leaving is that I believe that the only way I will be happy again is to pursue my dream of being an international law attorney or teaching in a less stressful environment.  I always knew that I could not be a teacher forever.  I knew that I cared too much. Teaching has taken its toll on me and I feel like it is time to go.

To be honest I feel selfish.  I feel like I am abandoning my children.  So, to make myself feel better about leaving I try to focus on the positive.  I try to focus on the good memories that I have and the great friendships that I have made while being in Mississippi.  I am determined to walk out of Bailey Magnet High School on June 3 rd with a smile on my face and the feeling of accomplishing my goal—making a lasting impression on my kids.

Note to Incoming First Years:

Dear Incoming First Years,

Some of you may have heard this before, but I will say it anyway…teaching will be the most difficult thing that you have ever done in your life!!

 

Yes, many of you went to great schools where you did very well.

Yes, many of you have been successful student-athletes and/or student body leaders.

Yes, many of you have accomplished amazing things in your life.

 

But let me tell you, MTC is a total different ball game!!

You will be responsible for educating youth who often times do not care nor value their education. You will feel disrespected and be disobeyed almost on a daily basis.  You will have to deal with incompetent leadership and inadequate resources to effectively do your job.

I cannot think of any other job that is as hard, as demanding, as frustrating, and pays as little as teaching…

I also cannot think of a job that is as rewarding…

You will have an amazing experience when it is all said and done.  Yes, the classes will suck.  Yes, you will get sick and tired of seeing the same people all of the time.  Yes, there will be times when you will want to quite.  There will be times when you feel like you cannot take it anymore because you are so stressed out.  There will be times when you will cry and feel totally defeated.  But do not give into those negative feelings.  Try your best to stay positive and stay the course because MTC will be a life-changing experience.  It will change the way you view life, see other cultures, and view education. 

Remember that the children need you—even if they do not realize it at the time.

Here are some random suggestions that I have that should help you with your transition and your time in Mississippi:

• Try not to focus on the bad stuff and the things that you cannot control.

• Make friends with the people around you and in your community.  Those will be the people who will be your backbone when things get rough.

• Start saving your money immediately!!

• Take plenty of pictures during your two years because you will want to remember your time in Mississippi when it is over.

• Get to know your students outside of the classroom.  It makes managing them a lot easier.

• Do not overwhelm yourself. Do not try to do too much.

• Try to have fun!!

• Find something outside of teaching that makes you happy.

 

Good Luck!!

Free write: As it comes to an end...

We only have 2 months and 3 days left in the school year.  I have been looking forward to June 3rd, the consummation of my teaching career, all year; but as it fast approaches I find myself having regrets about leaving.

 I see my students’ sad faces when I tell them that I will be leaving Bailey after this year. Some of them sigh in disappointment, other become angry, but most ask why…

 I try to give my students an honest answer to the question of why I am leaving next year.  I tell them that I am going to law school—that law school has always been the plan and that I am finally ready to go.  But most importantly, I tell them that I find myself turning into someone I do not want to be…

 I really enjoyed teaching my first year.  I walked in everyday excited to teach.  I remember HATING to miss days with my students.  I would come in sick as opposed to leaving my students with a substitute.  My students made me laugh and smile on a daily basis, even when I was not in a good mood or unenthusiastic about being at school.  Almost all of my students did what I asked when I asked—they all seemed excited to learn.  And most importantly, I did not have many discipline problems and most of the children loved being in my class.

 But somewhere along the line, things began to change…

 I am not sure if it was my attitude, the amount of stress I have been under, or the new group of students that I got this year, but somewhere along the line something changed…

 I have been extraordinarily stressed, depressed, cynical, attitudinal, and exhausted during my second year of teaching.  I have yelled, screamed, and shouted enough for a lifetime. I have shook my head in disappointment and sat down at my desk in defeat.  I am no longer happy to be a school.  I find myself counting down the hours left in the school day, the days left in the week, and the number of school days left in the school year.  I no longer have the “glow” that people used to refer to last year.  I am happy to miss days so that I can avoid certain classes.  I am okay with leaving my students with a substitute.

I have really turned into the teacher that I hated sooooo much last year.  I am no longer the happy optimistic Amani.  I have turned into a stressed out and overwhelmed Amani.

 That is not to say that I do not give my all when I am teaching.  I have pushed my students further this year. I have raised the bar for success in my class.  I plan and prep like no other teacher in my school…but my attitude is drastically different.  I am turning into a person that I do not want to be…

When I explain all that to my students, most of them understand.  Most of them comment on how my attitude is visibly different this year than it was last year.  Most of them blame it on other students and how disrespectful and crazy kids are now a days.  A lot of them beg my not to leave.  They tell my about how I am the best teacher that they have ever had.  They tell me about how they only learn things in my classroom. They tell me that they look up to me…that is when my heart drops and I feel bad about leaving.  Who will challenge them when I am gone?  Who will try to inspire them when I am gone?  Who will be truthful with them when I am gone?

As I reflect on my MTC experience I think of what one of the teachers at my school said to me the other day, “they (the kids) make you smile more than they make to angry.”  That is the feeling that I want to take away from my experience in MTC and in Mississippi—the feeling that my students are great—the elated feeling that I get when my students do well.  The smile that they often times do bring to my face when I think of them… 

Memorable Moment

I love my fellow MTCers! We have had some great times over the past two years.  I will truly miss the friends that I have made and the hilarious situations that we constantly find ourselves in...

Here is an account of one such occasion:

Not too long ago, two fellow MTCers, one of their fiancés, and I went out to eat at a pub--a pub being a place that specializes in the selling beer.  One of the people in our group (who shall remain nameless, but I'm willing to bet that most people can guess who) forgot his/her ID.  When our waitress came over to take our drink orders, she refused to serve my ID-less fellow MTCer any beer for fear that she would get in trouble.  This person became VERY upset.  In an attempt to make this person feel better, I told him/her that I would order a beer for him/her.  So, when the waitress came back to check on us I asked her for the darkest beer that she had.  To our dismay, the suspicious waitress watched our table from around a corner and when she saw my ID-less friend drinking the beer that I ordered, she stormed over to reprimand him/her.  With a serious attitude and “mug face”, the waitress told my friend that she is sure that (s)he is 21, but that (s)he cannot drink any more of the beer because (s)he will get in trouble.  With that, my friend, a fellow MTCer, became even more upset.

When it was time to pay, my fellow MTCer decided not only to not leave a tip, but to also leave the waitress a nice little note.  The note said “23 years old! Fuck you!”

Our entire party, three of which were MTCers, ran out of the pub laughing hysterically and hoping that we never run into that waitress again.

 

Why you SHOULD join MTC (Required)

There are lots of good reasons why people should join MTC.

You SHOULD join MTC if:

• you think that all people have equal access to quality education
• you think No Child Left Behind is a good thing
• you want to help a struggling community
• you want to make a difference in someone's life
• you want to learn what the "real world" is like
• you do not understand the effects of poverty
• you have never been around black people before
• you are culturally insensitive
• you have lived a privileged life
• you think teaching is easy
• you enjoy being around children--even "bad" ones
• you think you can inspire/motivate someone
• you are a "people-person"
• you want a life changing experience
• you are willing to work harder than you ever have before
• you are intelligent
• you are able to deal with adversity
• you are a humble and highly motivated person
• you can deal with stress
• you can handle being put under a lot of pressure
• you want to have a support system while beginning your career as a teacher
• you want a less corporate experience than other teaching programs
• you want to learn to budget money
• you enjoy/can live in rural towns/small cities
• you do not give up easily

Why you should NOT join MTC (Required)

Honestly, this is probably NOT the best time for me to write this blog. Lol.  I am actually quite cynical about teaching at the moment.  But...I promise I won't go on a tangent about how this can be the worst decision of your life...

I think I have earned a reputation of being quite honest and blunt about things; therefore I will not "sugarcoat" anything...

You should NOT join MTC if:

• you cannot handle both physical and mental stress--this will be one of the most stressful things you will ever do 
• you do not like/cannot handle immaturity and incompetence--you will be surrounded by both
  
• you do not like/cannot handle children--it is your job to interact with children all day
• you are not dedicated and hardworking--teaching requires an abundance of both
  
• you cannot live off of approximately $30,000/year--you will be dirt poor, or close to it
• you are already depressed and/or a cynical person--you will become even more cynical/depressed
• you are a hostile/confrontational person--you cannot be confrontation with your students
• you are dumb--we have enough dumb teachers here, we do not need anymore
• you are remotely mentally unstable--this job will drive you crazy, literally!
• you get burt out quickly--this job will burn you out VERY quickly
• you do not care about others--half of your job is to care
• you just are interested in boosting your resume--your heart isn't in the right place and you won't make it
• you do not plan on staying for two years--please don't ditch your kids and the program--just don't come

Rita Binder Discussion

I really enjoyed Rita Binder's class.  She came in, introduced herself, and gave us some materials to read--an excerpt from an old history textbook that used to be used not too long ago in MS and a pamphlet of the White Citizen's Club's high school essay contest.  Both handouts were extraordinarily racist.  She explained that these this was the type of educational environment that existed in MS' not so distant past.  After we read and discussed the materials that she handed out, class turned into an open discussion about race.  We had a VERY heated and emotional discussion to say the least.  It turned into an argument over weather The North or The South was more racist.  I was somewhat bothered by this argument because the entire country in general has been and continues to be racist.  I do not think that any region of the US is exempt from this phenomenon.  

I think that MTC should have more open discussions about race.  While the conversation during Binder's class got quite heated, I think that conservations like that are necessary in such a racially divided state.  I wish that we would have continued the race talks that we were having with Dave Malina (I thinking that is how you spell his name). I think that it is important to talk about the big elephant in the room and not just ignore or shot down conversations that can be a little uncomfortable for people.

Last Laugh

http://odeo.com/episodes/25012835-Terrence-Buckner-Last-Laugh

"Last Laugh" made me think about a student that I used to teach. (I will refer to him as KR for privacy purposes.)  KR and I were actually just talking about him being gay and his peers' reactions to him earlier today.

KR came by my room this afternoon during my planning period to tell me that he misses being in my class. (He was in one of my US History classes that got switch over to another teacher earlier this year.)  I asked him how he was doing and how his brother was doing?  (I just found out a couple of days ago that his brother--whom I taught last year--was just diagnosed with Leukemia last week.)  KR told me that he was doing well and that his brother is hanging in there.  He then proceeded to tell me about how he cannot stand Bailey.  He said that everyone at school is so immature and not on his level.  I asked him what he meant.  He said that certain people have a problem with him because he is gay.  He said that they are all petty and dumb because they do not understand him.  I just laughed and told him not to worry about it because a lot of people are just silly and ignorant.  He agreed.  He then told me about how another male student of mine continuously harasses him on a daily basis.  He said that this other student constantly makes loud and rude comments about KR's homosexuality.

Now, don't get it wrong.  KR is far from shy, quite, and docile.  KR is "gay and proud."  He is much like Terrence from the podcast.  He wears skinny jeans, tight shirts, and flaunts his stuff with pride.  I told KR not to worry about the kids at school because a year from now, he will probably never see most of them again.

Terrence's story also reminds me of KR's brother--the one with Leukemia.  His brother is a "thug" in every sense of the word.  He is a gang member, in and out of jail, etc.  I wonder how he reacted to KR being gay.  KR's brother never mentioned it last year. I didn't even know they were brother for a long time.  But if I had to guess, I would presume that KR's brother would defend him just like Terrence's brother did in the end.

It is amazing to me how so many people are sooooo homophobic.  Is it really that serious that you feel the need to jump a kid just because he is gay?  So what if he is gay?  What does it matter?  I think that most people are somehow threatened by gay people or something.  I really don't see the big deal.  They are gay.  That doesn't make them an evil or bad person who deserves to be tormented everyday.  KR told me that there were plenty of people who made fun of him and harassed him when he was younger; but he believes that all of those people just really wanted to get with him. Lol.  KR is quite a character.  Just thinking of him brings a smile to my face.  How could people dislike such a wonderful and hilarious person just because of his sexual orientation? That just seems so ridiculous to me.

Community Assessment: Jackson, MS

Community Assessment

Mississippi's Failure

The NY Times article "Mississippi's Failure" (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/21/opinion/21mon1.html?_r=4) discusses how the Mississippi government used $600 million of Hurricane Katrina disaster funds that were earmarked for the reconstruction of affordable housing was instead used to refurbish and expand the Port of Gulfport — "a pet project of local politicians that was conceived long before Katrina."  The comments on this article are full of people who are outraged over this mismanagement of funds; but sadly, most of the commenters were unsurprised in Mississippi's Republican leadership, saying that Mississippi's leadership "seems to care more about their own, than the poor and struggling citizens within the state."

This article brings to light a very important issue--the mismanagement of funds and political corruption, but it is important to note that these two issues are obviously NOT unique to Mississippi.  I think it would be unfair to act as though Mississippi is the only state that has this problem.  Governments everywhere mismanage funds.  It is just unfortunate that nothing has really been done to address this pressing issue.

It is sad that people like "Mr. Johnson" have to suffer because they cannot afford to rebuild their homes that were destroyed because of a NATURAL disaster.  Not because of anything that they did.  For the most part, Hurricane Katrina victims were not lazy or irresponsible people who lost their homes and are having troubles finding new jobs because of any fault of their own.  They just happen to live in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It should not matter what kind of insurance they have or if their homes were destroyed by wind or water.  They should be helped; and the only existing entity that is able to do that on a large scale is our government.  It is unfortunate that people do not realize this.